Creeva’s World 2.0

I was ran­domly think­ing about my past the other day and teenage mutant ninja tur­tles popped into my head while dri­ving.   Out loud I said (quite loudly out loud) I can believe my mom is so freak­ing stu­pid.   My wife turns to me and asks what the hell I’m talk­ing about.  (She won’t argue that my mother some­times lacks com­mon sense and because of this her intel­li­gence is some­how in ques­tion).  I told her a story of some­thing that hap­pened 18–20 years ago.

My whole fam­ily was dri­ving back from my Grand­par­ents in Greenville, OH.   I enjoyed the TMNT car­toon, but my brother was the action fig­ure col­lec­tor of them.  (BTW shout out to my favorite tur­tle Donatello).   I being a nor­mal pre-teen was try­ing to argue the pos­si­bil­i­ties of mutant ninja tur­tles exist­ing (the way lots of pre-teens argue and defend things even when they don’t know the whole facts).   My father explained that it wouldnt work at couldn’t hap­pen.   My mother try­ing to talk about sex grace­fully in front of her 4 chil­dren (the old­est myself)  asked my father what if “a lonely guy and a tur­tle..” My father cut her off right there and gave her the “If you are truly that stu­pid how do you man­age to breathe look”.

He then went into a basic biol­ogy 101 talk about how species had to be com­pat­i­ble to repro­duce.   This unfor­tu­an­tely I think shut me down and my mutant tur­tle the­o­ries.   That is until muta­gen is truly dumped into the sew­ers, then we’ll see who is right on the ninja tur­tle arguement.

But, need­less to say a woman who was in her 30’s or just about, thought the humans and tur­tles could not only be sex­u­ally com­pat­i­ble (wouldn’t the guy actu­ally have to get busy over the tur­tle eggs?), but they would also have viable off­spring sim­i­lar to ninja tur­tles.    I must receive all my intel­li­gence from my father, or my Mother must have got a skip year on her side’s intel­li­gence gene.

This was the same woman who at one time was talk­ing about get­ting money from her par­ents (they deny it) to pay off the house when she was going through mar­i­tal trou­bles.  She had a grand plan liv­ing off of child sup­port and pos­si­bly alimony.   Now for those that don’t know child sup­port was non tax­able and she had lived that way for a cou­ple years when I was a teenager.    Her the­ory was if she got the money she would put it in the bank so she could deduct her mort­gage pay­ments and get a tax refund back.   I think that even after an hour of my explain­ing to her that she had to have tax­able income and pay taxes to qual­ify for a refund at all, and if you haven’t paid any you weren’t going to get money back from the gov­ern­ment just because you have a deduction.

If only my father was an idiot, I could say I was the milk man’s kid.    When it’s my mother, I have to hope I’m my father’s ille­git­i­mate child with a nuclear researcher that died in a radioac­tive exper­i­ment after I was born, and he met my mother and they adopted me.

Nuclear researcher.…hmmm…I brought it full cir­cle, I won­der if I have any tur­tle DNA in me.