My Estranged Mother E-mails Me to Say – I Told You So

October 26, 2008

by — Posted in Family and Friends

Earlier this week this email (it’s been edited to protect names- edits in italics) showed up in my inbox:

Hi Brent.. I just want to know that I miss talking to you.  I am thrilled for you and XIE as you await the birth of your new little son.  I remember when the two of you came to see YOUR YOUNGEST BROTHER and I after he was born saying you will neve have kids and I said oh give yourself another ten years things may change.  Here you are….I am sure XIE is getting all prepared, reading planning, etc.  I think she will do great during  delivery, they have so many different ways to help with relaxation during labor.  After YOUR SON is born the two of you will be so amazed at that moment and your life will change forever.  You will never look at certain things the same way again.  And the way a new baby smells, its a special scent that only lasts a few days then fades away to the sweet smell of baby lotion bath wash.  You will see, I think its a good thing for both of you, you will have alot of fun.

Love mom

Now grammar and spelling mistakes I didn’t touch, just the names to protect some people’s identity.  When I told Xie about the e-mail she was miffed that my mother didn’t call.   I told her that was the only smart thing my mother did for this situation.  I’m sure my mother knows by now that if I heard her voice I would have just hung up the phone and she wouldn’t have had a chance to get anything out.    Score one point for my mother.  Though I’m going to make the wild assumption that she didn’t assume I was going to post this on my blog.

I read the e-mail out loud to Xie.   I started reading it in my mothers tone and voice pattern (I do a fairly passable impression of her speaking mannerisms).   I didn’t make it through the first sentence before Xie said she would smack me up side the head if I didn’t read it normal.   I submitted and read it normal.   The first thing Xie said after her rant on my mother e-mailing, was “So she wrote that whole thing to say ‘I told you so’.”  I replied with “Yep.”

One point of view could be said that my mother is attempting to repair a bridge between a fractured relationship.   Like eveyrthing else my mother attempts to do this is a selfish act.   When I was younger she put guilt trips on me for not having kids because she wanted grandkids (bear in mind I’m the oldest of her 6 kids so she was bound to have grandkids).   My brother already has a daughter and a son that should be born in the next couple weeks.  My brother is on speaking and family terms with my mother so she has two grandkids she would have access to.   My mother’s only access to me is messages that my siblings or my grandmother deliver.   The only message I ever send back is that I don’t care.

As it stands right now my grandchild will never have access to her.  I know how she screwed me up my siblings and myself (though I have a different world view, so I’m sure they think that I’m the one that’s screwed up).   I don’t want to risk exposing my child to that.   After my child is of legal driving age and can take himself over there, it will all be in his court on what he decides to do.  My child won’t be forbidden from going there, but I’ve been told that I’m not welcome there and can’t come over.  So I’m holding that to heart for the rest of time.

My point of view if you haven’t figured this out, is that my mom wants to be seen as the good grandmother.    She follows the theory in life that it’s better to appear good then be good.   Now I’m not going to say that I am any sort of saint.  I am who I am.   I don’t put on false airs for anyone.   I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not.   I’m rough, I’m honest, and I can be brutally blunt.   I’m used to that and I can deal with the consequences, because I enjoy who I am.

I haven’t put more than a passing thought into my mother in the last year.   When someone mentions her I give my knee jerk “I don’t care answer” and forget about her.   But this email has forced me to bring the pasts thoughts to light (just when I’m in a peaceful place again).   So in the upcoming month look for some articles about the problems I have with my mother.   This email may look like an honest attempt for reconciliation by some, but I know my mother’s methods.  I will concede that is what she believes she is doing in her mind.   She is just too naive to really look at herself for who she is though.

12 thoughts on “My Estranged Mother E-mails Me to Say – I Told You So

  1. Wow. Obviously I have no idea what happened between you and your mother and why you're estranged, but it does seem very sad. Sometimes people let us down, and it's always hardest to forgive when those people are family. Speaking from my own experience, one of my biggest regrets in life are the years that I spent somewhat distant from my own mother, because I blamed her for a lot of the emotional problems that I was dealing with in therapy. I wish now that I'd found a way to forgive and try to understand her sooner, so that I could have had more time with her as an adult, before her tragically untimely death from breast cancer in 1994.

    Naturally, you know what's best for you and for your child. But I hope you keep an open mind.

  2. I'll be focusing some stories in November on my mother. Maybe some people will understand, maybe some people will just tell me I'm in the wrong – if they do think I am in the wrong – that's fine – doesn't mean I'll change how I will handle things.

    To give you a brief synopsis – things my mother taught me for life.

    A person is not to be judged by what they do, they are to be judged by how they appear. A good person owns nice thing. It's better to buy things for your house before buying things for your kids, since you are giving them a nice house to live after all. It's better to have friends that don't care about you, but make you feel good about yourself instead of people you can get emotionally involved with. Your never wrong so don't admit to it. Even if their is a credible witness everyone will believe you, because why would you be lying.

    You can treat your children badly and call them names, but heaven help you if they call you the same names. Your children should respect you and love you because they gave birth to you, not because you have to earn it at – so don't bother earning it.

    That's just some of what my mother has taught me. Through this whole thing she thinks it's my father (her ex) that turned me against her. Nothing could be further from the truth. My father has actually encouraged me to make good with her – she just can't believe that she is in the wrong or at fault for anything.

    /deep breath

    Ok I'll vent into some upcoming blog posts on this, then maybe I can put it behind me again.

  3. I also forgot to add in the discussion (meant to add it in the original post but forgot before it was published) Xie and I never really committed to having kids. She was pregnant, so we're ahving a kid. We are pro-choice, but would never abort our own child. So we're going to be parents. We will love our child, but that doesn't mean we would have ever felt our lives were incomplete without a child, which is where she meant to add the I told you so.

  4. copy and past to a reply,

    mom,
    i still dont want children but my lord satan blessed us to bring forth bringing the antichrist.
    much love your son

  5. /repost
    copy and past to a reply,

    mom,
    i still dont want children but my lord satan blessed us to bring forth the antichrist.
    much love your son

  6. I wish to wish all pregnant women of good mood, easy pregnancy and natural sorts! Good luck also are happy! Give birth easily and independently! Let not doctors give birth for you, and you! Also adjust itself on chest feeding of the kid! Read the necessary information!Be, lovely pregnant mums and expecting posterities of the daddy, are healthy and wise!

  7. Your relationship with your mother, as well as the estrangement, sounds so much like mine. I, too, am keeping my child away from the known danger (my mother). My mother did enough damage to my brother and me… I am not letting her near my child. I have my entire life history, followed by some analysis on my blog site (http://www.thequeenandking.blogspot.com) if you want to drop by. Having this estrangement is tough, as I want a healthy and happy relationship with my mother– but it's just not going to happen. My relationship has been the same my entire life… why would it change now. In fact, it only gets worse as the years go by. Thanks for sharing your story about the email– it hit home in many ways.

  8. Your relationship with your mother, as well as the estrangement, sounds so much like mine. I, too, am keeping my child away from the known danger (my mother). My mother did enough damage to my brother and me… I am not letting her near my child. I have my entire life history, followed by some analysis on my blog site (http://www.thequeenandking.blogspot.com) if you want to drop by. Having this estrangement is tough, as I want a healthy and happy relationship with my mother– but it's just not going to happen. My relationship has been the same my entire life… why would it change now. In fact, it only gets worse as the years go by. Thanks for sharing your story about the email– it hit home in many ways.

  9. I feel sad for you. Some day that child that you will come to love with a kind of love that you cannot comprehend right now, might just treat you in the same manner that you are treating your mother.

  10. Such a nice and thoughtful thing to say. I mean it makes me want to tell my son my house is no longer his home right now. Maybe I should get a leap on things and teach him that a persons worth is what they own and the appearance of how much money they earn. I mean these are the things that really matter right? Not caring whether your child had a good time at a sleep over, but how was the house you stayed at decorated.

    I’ll also give up on life and have my children do everything for me including trying to help pay my bills – but constantly shop the home shopping network daily while complaining I have no money. I’ll also make sure that bringing a date I’ve been seeing 2 months along on the parent student award nights at high school – after my date (who 4 months later will be my spouse) smacks him upside the head the first time they meet him.

    Yeah – I’ll start working on that right now and maybe my son will love me just as much as I love my mother.

    But seriously – if I screw up the relationship with my son, I’ll accept that I’ll deserve it and not blame him for everything thinking that I’m completely innocent. Only the completely naive think they are not culpable. I’ll also have the advantage of screwing up completely differently than my mother did with me.

    So how long has it been since your child spoke to you?

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