A Month With Mom — Part 5 — You Can’t Help Those That Don’t Help Themselves

One of the con­tin­gen­cies of help­ing out my mother was that she worked for­ward­ing help­ing her­self.   Xie made this clear that this was a stip­u­la­tion, no hand outs for my mother.  I com­pletely agreed (I actu­ally believed in this before Xie said any­thing).  With that being said we planned on help­ing my mother get through this and move on.

Lit­tle did I know.……

My mother worked maybe 4 hours a week help­ing out at the school sys­tem (I’ve heard now she has a full time job), this had been going on for some­time.   For over 20 years my mother seemed inca­pable of get­ting a job that took her away from home or fun time for more then a few hours a week.   She had a a few part time jobs, after her first divorce she did a stint in col­lege that lasted a whole one semes­ter — I was her proof reader and grader.  I think I even typed up her papers.   How­ever she never took a job.

I’ve seen moth­ers in cities beg­ging on the streets for their kids.  I’ve seen par­ents strug­gle and work extreme hours to pro­vide for their kids.   From what I have seen my mother is inca­pable of those kind of altru­is­tic inten­tions.  As long as she is com­fort­able and can have some­one else sup­port she is in heaven.  If she is run­ning lean, she goes to my grand­par­ents.  She will go to my grand­par­ents before attempt­ing to do some­thing on her own.

When we came back it didn’t look like she was going to get back together with my step­fa­ther.   She would lit­er­ally cry about how she didn’t deserve what was hap­pen­ing to her.   She would cry because she didn’t have money to fix up the house.   Never once did she cry about pro­vid­ing for her chil­dren.   We kept telling her to get a full time job and sup­port her­self.   She wouldn’t hear of it.  She said that day care would cost too much. We were ready for that excuse.

Xie and I offered to be full time babysit­ters for free. This was so she could go out and get a job and pro­vide for her own fam­ily. She once tried to do a pity story on me imply­ing a some finan­cial sup­port. I would not give her any money. I had told her that when I first moved back and I was stick­ing to it. She was an adult. She chose a path in life and she had to deal with the consequences.

Read Part 1 Here

Read Part 2 Here

Read Part 3 Here

Read Part 4 Here

November 5, 2008 | Creeva | Tags: , , , , | View Comments
  • Xie
    Our decision to move back to Ohio was extremely family motivated.

    I genuinely wanted to help her. I actually thought that her "inability" to stand on her own two feet, make decisions and solve problems by herself, was a major self-esteem issue caused by years of others doing for her. I thought maybe if we could at first help her to accomplish things on her own that eventually, slowly she would gain the confidence of being able to support herself and her children. You know the saying, "Teach a man to fish......"

    I offered myself as a babysitter whenever she needed at no cost, so she could go out and either a) look for a full-time job (even a temporary part-time job) or b) to get the education she needed to get a job she could support her family on. We were even considering buying the house from her so she wouldn't lose it in the divorce and help with expenses of anything the children needed so they wouldn't suffer.

    I am not sure we could have given anymore of ourselves to help her. But it wasn't enough, she wanted her parents, children and the child support checks to take care of all her monetary desires, while she changes nothing in her comfortable routine. When she saw she wasn't going to get that, she made amends with a slime ball, acting as if she had no choice. She sold at least part of herself for this illusion fantasy of the easy life she had convinced herself she had earned somehow, alms. Because she wants and others might have more however hard earned it may have been. She believes she deserves a piece of everyone's pie.

    Some may think I am being more than a little cruel but I have had conversations with her saying no less.

    As a retort she always compares herself with me. There are only two things we share in common. The first being her son, my husband. The second, neither of us has a career. But there it ends. I spend my days digesting information, adding to a fairly wide variety of knowledge and skill sets, creating, exploring, and attempting to be a more evolved me. I am rarely idle and I know I am truly blessed. All the more now that I carry my husband's and my son. I will have the time to be there for him, to teach him, to watch him grow, and the joy of exploring with him his new world. My husband has affectionately called me a Renaissance Woman. While I do not think I deserve such a noble title, I hate when confronted with something I do not understand and admittedly become a little obsessed until it is understood to my satisfaction. I would never call my child the names I have caught her calling her own blood. I have never been worried about keeping up appearances, actually I abhor that kind of behavior. Most importantly, no matter what disagreements my son and I go through, he will always be welcome home no matter what.
  • You will always be my renaissance woman. There is definitely a difference between you and my mother. Her short sighted sense of entitlement doesn't allow her to see it. She thinks she is equal to or better then everyone around in every way. If someone is better in some way, she thinks she deserves what they have without working for it.

    I don't think your being cruel - just people on the outside can't see what we do. Expressing it and laying it out helps set the record straight. You posting your own experiences proves I'm not crazy also. Now only if I could get permission to use my sisters e-mail....
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