Cedar Point Memories – Part 11 – Paddlewheel Excursions

All Paddlewheel Excursions Pictures taken by Andrew Borgen

The Cedar Point Paddlewheel Excursions is very near to my heart.  I would say without pausing that it is my favorite ride in the park.   I liked it as a kid, but as a teenager I rode it over and over.   Multiple times my friend (who stole the tokens) and I would go to the park to just ride the Paddlewheel.   Another one of our friends was dating the captain (Captain D), so we learned all about the ride and just hung out with him.

Sadly Captain D was fired for smoking pot after hours on the island in the middle of the ride.   We never saw Captain D again.   His memory did live on in the Vermilion Crazy Craft race when we named out boat “Captain D’s Final Voyage”.   We did get first place for design.

Ever since that summer riding the Paddlewheel has always been an obsession.   I loved being the heckler and getting to know the captains.  I also only heckled the captains that play along with it.  I’m not completely a troll.

Sadly, last season was the Paddlewheel’s last year. I didn’t know, otherwise I would have made a special day to Cedar Point, just riding the Paddlewheel over and over and over again.  The final two voyages they auctioned off for charity.   I so would have spent hundreds of dollars for the opportunity.

Before my son was born I considered man times applying to Cedar Point just for this job on the weekends.   Captain Creeva just has a great sound to it.   We almost went to the park on my birthday and Xie was going to see if they would allow me to do the stand up for at least one time through.  We sadly didn’t go, and I think I chickened out.

The final effect that the ride had on has made reverberation nine years later.   When I made an entertainer in Star Wars Galaxies.   For this character I invented the name “Creeva”.  He used corny jokes in the paddlewheel captain fashion.

Did you hear about the new server at the Bestine Cantina?   His name is Darth Waiter.

I even contemplated doing planetary tours in the paddlewheel style.   Unfortunately it never came to pass.   Of course this lead to my blog’s name, twitter handle, etc.

I can’t truly express how much I will miss this ride.  It was an important of my teenage years.  It was fascination over of something so simple and fun that made it great.  When I had friends that didn’t like the ride, normally I could turn them around.  Some of them also became marathon rides.   It was a great time and with the loss of the ride, it is truly the end of an era.


You guys are BY FAR, the MOST recent group I’ve had today.

“Everyone please scoot to the left of your bench… now to the right… to the front of your seat… now to the back… Thanks guys, it was my day to polish the benches!”

“Look at that sign folks. It says, ‘Fish cleaned while you wait.’ I guess we could call that the first frontier CARP WASH.”

“There’s Grandpa Owens taking out his grandkids.   Grandpa Owens is on the left.  Tommy is on the right.  Bobby is the little squirt in the middle.”

“Over on the right we can see the famous pioneer singing duo of John Cougar and Lawrence Elk.”

“The price of fur is real good!”

“Let me tell you about the Canfields and McGees. They’re local moonshiners who live around the corner here, and they feud with each other all the time. Did you hear gun-shots? I don’t like the sound of this.”

“Oh no, it looks like they’re at it again; the Canfields and McGees are a’feudin’! Everybody please stay calm, remain in your seats, and above all don’t panic! Everyone please remain calm! If it gets any worse: husbands grab your wives, wives grab your children and cute, available women grab the captain because he’s scared, too!”

“Don’t worry about getting hit folks.   Those are wooden figures that  are shooting wooden bullets. So, if they hit you, it wooden hurt.”

“This is the town of Seville. That’s the Barber of Seville. He offers cut rates.”

“What do you call the people that live in Seville?  Sevillians.”

“It looks like Mama Bear is upset that the cubs are running around in their bear feet.”

“A couple of hungry bear cubs have climbed a tree in search of honey. In their search, they’ve angered a swarm of bees not willing to part with their honey. I’m sure the cubs found this situation unbearable. What a sticky situation. Maybe we should let them BEE for now.”

“We are now going past Mantis one of the tallest and fastest stand-up roller coasters in the world I went to ride Mantis the other day I went to ride Mantis the other day and they would not let me ride because ok apparently Cedar Point does not allow bad standups!”

“To your left, you see Delbert Feinstein, a local inventor. Yes, he’s taking a crash course in aviation. Anyone know what he makes those wings out of? FLYPAPER!”

“Over on the right we can see Muddy Rivers, Pioneer America’s first professional musician. As you can see, he plays the guitar, but he’s really a much better banjo player. In fact, he recently formed a new group with his banjo playing. Maybe you’ve heard of them, they’re called BAN-JOVI.”

“On the left, we see Russell ‘Rusty’ Steele, a guy who’s been in the pioneer junk business for a number of years. He used to work in an orange juice factory, but he had to leave that line of work. He just couldn’t concentrate. The job lost its appeal. He was crushed. The boss canned him because he always came to work juiced. He claims he was squeezed out. Right now he’s giving his pig a bath, and at the same time, he’s mixing one of his favorite drinks … it’s called SWINE COOLER! If you want some, I’m sure he won’t HOG it all.”

“Once the boat has stopped please exit to the front right, unless of course you didn’t like my jokes then you can exit to the front left. If you did enjoy my jokes today then I’d love to hear a guest compliment about Captain Jim, of course if you didn’t you can always go and complain about Captain Sam.”

“We’re going to have a bump in the front, a bump in the back and a jerk behind the wheel.”

“Watch your head as you exit, and if you bump your head please watch your language because this is a family park.”



Finally enjoy a video ride down the Paddlewheel Excursions:


2 thoughts on “Cedar Point Memories – Part 11 – Paddlewheel Excursions”

  1. CD new Fast Pass
    Yeah, this is a great idea! Force poor schmucks to sit in line for an extra 30-45 minutes while rich people pay money to line-jump and screw over those people who don’t make enough.

  2. I have mixed emotions on the fast pass system. The first is like you posted, but I know that Cedar Point has been struggling the last few years. The fast pass gives them an easy way to enhance their bottom line. As long as they are profitable the park will stay open and keep expanding. Compare this to Geauga Lake.

    The second part is that for the most part very few people seem to actually purchase the Fast Pass. The only ride where I saw it significantly make the line longer was Dodgem. Other rides I didn’t see it causing a 45 minutes delay anywhere.

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