Why the Goonies Does Not Suck

March 20, 2014

by — Posted in Personal Writing

A friend on Facebook added me to a link from a local radio show that posted why the Goonies suck.   They wanted to point out all the film errors and try to state why this is a terrible movie.  If we want to break down almost any movie ever made we can point out the glaring errors and say it sucks.   Heck, Casablanca is on of my favorite movies of all time and it’s full of glaring errors.

You can watch the video above and let’s break down what they are pointing out.   They are just being petty or not understanding the time period the movie was made.

Point by Point:

Are you allowed to wear sunglasses in jail? He’s not in jail, he’s in holding.  It is likely he could have kept his sunglasses.

Only one guard present to release an entire block of prisoners.  It’s a jail the size of a McDonalds.   It’s not like they could fit a ton of guards, and if they hadn’t had problems in the past they likely wouldn’t beef up security since most of the people would likely be drunks just sleeping it off.

Lone Guard investigates missing prisoner on his own without calling backup or sounding an alarm.  Once again we look at the size of the jail, if it wasn’t for later scenes you could almost assume he was the only one there.

Prisoner fakes hanging with entire hallway and window behind him revealing trickery.  The window is inconsequential and so is the hallway unless we know what it is used for.   The guard doesn’t go through that hallway, but in a door in front of the prisoner.   Obviously it works.

Guard keeps reading note after it starts “You Schmuck”.  Small town stupid cop, what do you want?   They aren’t NYPD’s CSI team.  If you are watching Sherlock and this annoys you, you have more reason behind you.

Guy who hangs himself writes note to tip off guard he’s not really dead and hopes this works.  It does work – so why would this be an issue?

A single upward blow should not knock a grown man out.  It’s the 80’s according to Dukes of Hazzard, A-Team, MacGuyver, Knight Rider, etc.  a single upward blow will knock a grown man up.   This is a trope of the era and not a problem with the film.   Go ahead and create your Bourne Identity level of violence in your remake of the movie and see if it get’s adored by decades of kids.

Walks out without making sure the guard is unconscious (not a guard, but a police officer).  So you have your chance to get out, but you are going to slow down and waste time checking on the guy you don’t care about?

Is he wearing street clothes in prison?  It’s a holding cell, not prison. He hasn’t been processed yet.

Also are there no other guards anywhere to stop this attempt? Small town police station the size of McDonalds.   With the amount of cells they may have room for 3-4 officers on duty, but in a small town likely wouldn’t be there in the office – they would be out on patrol.   The whole town has less than 10,000 citizens now – it was likely less thirty years ago.   How big of a police force do you want?

Man pouring gasoline outside of the police station goes unnoticed.  I could have easily poured out gasoline in front of my towns police station twenty years ago and gone unnoticed.

No police saw this prisoner between his cell and the front door?  Of course they did – that’s why they come tearing out a few seconds later.   From the end of the cell block to the front door is likely 15-20 feet tops.   Allow for some reaction time delay buddy.

Where were these guys during the escape and why are they putting their clothes on?   They just had a prisoner run past them and came after.   They were relaxing in their chairs with the jackets on the back of the seat and shirt loose.   Hence why tucking and putting on jackets while going out the door.

Using a gun to light the gas?  I think the point was to show that the character is insane more than anything.  It’s character development to show he isn’t too bright.  Maybe he had a zippo backup just in case looking like a madman shooting at gasoline didn’t work.   This was the 80’s though where almost any explosion could be triggered by a bullet coming near an object.

They could never jump over that fire it way to high.  Once again, these aren’t small town cops – give them a second to react.

There is a section where they could hurdle a railing over the flames.   Once again reaction time.

Where is this cop coming from did they put out a distress call in ten seconds?  First since it isn’t a continuous scene you don’t know how long it’s been or how far away they are.   This specific cop could have been coming back from patrol and cut off in the middle of the road by the getaway car.   Depending on time, the cops from the station could have gotten over the fire and driven one of the two cars sitting next to the station.

They are firing at them during a high speed pursuit through town.   Small town cops don’t get to use guns much and the eighties portrayed them as much more gun happy.   I also come from a town where someone had their arms duct taped behind them and thrown over a cliff, but it was ruled a suicide.  I wouldn’t put it past a small town to have used guns in pursuit.

All the characters saw this event happening.  Actually all the characters didn’t see what happened.   Even so, it’s a small town.  In my hometown most people would have been on the same strip of town when school was out.

So they timed their escape to match the starting gun of a truck rally?  Wouldn’t you if you could?

Totally smoking all the cars that planned to win.   If they hit that area at full throttle when it started, the other trucks are still accelerating at this point.

This is evidence it is a kids room, except the gas mask.   I have some friends to introduce you to if you think no kids had gas masks.   I wasn’t one of them, but everyone seemed to know someone who did.

Cliche’s – All character cliche and fashion cliches of the 80’s I will just throw under – it was the fashion at the time or it was a kids/80’s movies so standard character archetypes will be obvious.

Pepsi paid for two product placements in 10 minutes.   You don’t go to the movies much do you?

Rube Goldberg machine wasn’t turned on when Corey Feldman came over.   He either jumped the fence or unlatched it like you will say Chunk should have done in a minute.

If your Rube Goldberg machine requires a chicken laying an egg you can only have one guest a day.   Unless of course you just use the latch…..

Chunk could have reached over an unlatched the gate.   The boy has some decorum of manners and waiting to be invited – and you have issue with this.  Maybe Chunk just really likes to watch the Rub Goldberg machine in action, he seemed to follow it closely.

How does a non-spanish speaking women hire a non-english speaking maid?  Ask all those people that hire immigrants outside of Home Depot to hang their drywall.

Doesn’t speak a word of english, so let’s give her tons of instruction in english.   Welcome to America…….

Leave to a bunch of pre-teen boys to think a penis always points up.  I assume you were a pre-teen boy at some point?

He’s taking his third asthma hit in ten minutes.  See cliche’s for archetypes.

Brushing Hair – See cliche’s for archetypes.

Pirate Stuff in the attic and you’ve never been there – the kid doesn’t disobey his parents, and let’s be fair – Pirates of the Caribbean wasn’t a thing yet.

He’s reading letters from that faraway – I can make out most the letters and I’m looking at a small youtube video and my perspective is further away.

Historians let treasure map slip into storage – First they could have thought it was a fake.   Second, it was hidden behind the something else in the frame, which they may not have opened.   It was something nice to hang on the wall not an historic artifact to take out and carbon date.

The British Were not in the Pacific Northwest in the 1600’s – Neither were pirates.  The movie was supposed to take place in New England originally.   The script didn’t get adjusted and I don’t believe anywhere in the film they say Oregon.   We could point to license plates, but that’s about it.   We do know it was filmed in Astoria, OR and that’s where the connotations come from.   Unfortunately, Astoria also does not have Goondocks in real life (hate to break it to you).

If Chester Copperpot couldn’t find it no one can.  You do know these are kids right?

I’ll grab this map and this stone – if you were grabbing a map wouldn’t you take everything that was bundled with it?

Official Papers aren’t delivered in the rain to kids – I don’t see them signing for anything.  Brand I believe is also 18.   If there was a certified letter he could sign for it, so why not take papers?

Letting air out of the tires doesn’t cause monetary damage to a bike.  Kids.

Would you buy this many groceries the day before your house in getting foreclosed on?  How do you know they weren’t having one last block party that night?  It could have been interrupted due to kids missing…….

Asian kid on bike – we likely assume this is Data’s little sister since it is right next door.

Where is Brand even going when he doesn’t know where they went?  You obviously again didn’t grow up in a small town – there are only so many places they could be.

I could go on, but I can’t watch anymore of this video.   Feel free to leave your own comments on any remaining rants in the video.

Bonus – here a picture of the Goonies House I took in 2005 when I visited Astoria.








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