This story started out as a Facebook post by my wife. I thought I would expand upon it and turn it into a story for my son. This is what I’m going to read to him for the bedtime story tonight. 

I am spider Gregg. I am recording today so it can always be remembered. Today was a day that will go down in history. Today our first strike attack counted for something and we lost none of our fellow soldiers. Today marks the turning point of spider survival. Soon we will no longer have to hide in the dark corners of the dwelling. Soon the hoomans will be forced to withdraw and it will become ours. Soon – we will conquer all.

It all started months ago. The female hooman would spot us and then the tall one would come in and dispatch us. Sometimes he would crush us with his massive hooman upper legs. Sometimes he would squish us with his coverings attached to his lower hooman legs. Then there were the dark times when he removed the coverings from his lower legs and used the covering in his upper legs to strike at us. With the tall hooman around we did not have any chance at survival. His attacks were swift and efficient. He was a problem that needed to be taken into consideration.

The female hooman was easier to handle. It was only in recent times that she would strike on her own. Normally, if she did not send in the tall one, she purposely acted like she didn’t see us. If she acknowledged us, we would just wiggle our legs at her and send her from the room. Since we did not know if she would get the tall one – this was our chance to retreat. We would then hide and wait out to see if the tall one would return or not. Since the tall one returned less and less we became more confident. We thought this was our break. Unfortunately, it was the female that was planning a strike on her own.

One day Spider Jason was practicing his clown act for the annual Spider Circus. He had his makeup on. He was straightening his little red nose to put on the best performance that he could. He was in the lower levels of the dwelling by the loud spinning machines. Spider Jason preferred this location because he could make as much noise as he wanted. There was no way the hoomans could hear him over the loud spinning machines. The female had already come and gone from the area a few times that day and didn’t even notice Spider Jason. Spider Jason was no longer worried and had moved on to practice his juggling act. Spider Jason had worked on an amazing juggling act where he would balance on one leg and juggle baby spiders rotating between his other seven legs. The babies loved it and everyone else would enjoy watching it. Then the female spotted him and went away. But she did not stay away.

Spider Jason was used to the female leaving the area and not returning for hours if he was spotted. He was done juggling and sent the baby spiders away. Only baby Spider Carrie remained to watch. Spider Jason was trying to teach potato bugs to jump through little hoops. Then Spider Carrie and Spider Jason heard the steps. The tall hooman wasn’t home, this made no sense. The female was back and carrying a fly swatter. A fly swatter? Of all the humiliating things, we eat flies. This hooman was going to dispatch us in the same way she dispatches our food. Spider Carrie managed to squeeze into a crack between the wood and watched what happened next.

The female hooman swung at Spider Jason and missed. He tried to scramble underneath one of the loud spinning machines. He moved and she swung again. He ran as if his life depended on it, but the female swung a third time. Spider Jason was hit. The female hooman managed to get half of his legs. With his remaining strength, he pulled himself underneath one of the giant spinning machines. He could not move well, but he was still alive. Spider Carrie, watching the whole thing happen, came and got me.

Spider Carrie was crying when she came to me. She thought the worst had happened. Spider Carrie was also a peaceful child that thought only about the best things in life. She had seen the terrible things that hoomans could do but preferred to think the best of all creatures. They were hoomans They acted upon instinct. It wasn’t like they could be held responsible for their actions. They were just mindless creatures that responded to the world around them. As Spider Carrie relayed the story to me I quickly gathered up some others to go find Spider Jason.

I dispatched Spider John to guard the stairs. If the female hooman came back he could drop from the ceiling and scare her away. He was also told that if she had the fly swatter again that he should stay hidden. When we got to Spider Jason he was still alive, it looked like he would survive. Spider Jason likely would have a limp throughout the rest of his life. His ankles will never be completely right again. However, he would live. At this point, we decided that we would have to make the hooman female pay for what she had done. We had to take control of the dwelling. If we scared the hooman female enough we could drive her away. If she went away then she would take the tall one and the short one away. A plan started to work its way through my head. I looked through all of my eyes to study everything around me. The short hooman would be the key to us winning this war. The annual Spider Circus was canceled, and preparations had to be made.

Every night when the tall, female, and short hoomans were asleep we would sneak into the place the short one slept. We think the short one is called exxxxx, but we aren’t sure. For this recording of spider history – we will continue to refer to him as the short one. Spider Rick lived the closest to this spot so it was his duty to make sure the evening chores were done. Every single night without fail Spider Rick would slip into the space where the short one slumbered. Spider Rick would crawl up next to the short one’s ear, close enough to yell – but far enough away that he could escape if the short one rolled over. Every night Spider Rick would spend time yelling “Spiders are friends” and “Don’t kill the spiders”. We were hoping that Spider Rick did this often enough that the short one would believe it. The short one would also think that he came up with this idea on his own.

For the months we worked on this plan, we lost many brothers and sisters. Spider Sally was killed in the room where the water ran. Spider Bill was covered and painted and was frozen to the wall. Spider Mike had a table moved onto him. Many many others were dispatched by the tall one and the female. The short one, however, he never killed one on purpose. There was Spider Al who got trapped under the carpet in the short one’s room – but that was accidental. It was also accidental when Spider Rick’s cousin Spider Sam didn’t keep his distance one night when visiting Spider Rick. While Spider Rick was yelling in the short one’s ear, the short one rolled over onto Spider Sam. We never blamed the short one. It seemed our plan was working.

One day we saw that the plan was moving forward. The short one stopped the tall one from killing me. He said, “don’t kill the spiders”. Our months of work were happening exactly as we planned. We made a friend and an ally with the short one. We have turned him to our side. this was our chance and we were going to take advantage of it. The tall one routinely left the house for days at a time. If we could wait until one of those times, then maybe we could drive the female hooman from the dwelling.

We went on waiting. Because we were also planning a birthday party for Spider Carrie we missed an attempt last month. This month however we had our chance. The tall one drove off alone in the middle of the night when the female and the short one were asleep. We were fairly sure that this was one of the times he was going to be gone. We waited though. All day and night the tall one did not return. This was our time to put our plan into action.

The female hooman and the short one wandered down the stairs like they do most mornings. The female opened the place that stays cold and grabbed a jug of something out of it and put it onto the counter. At this point, I dropped down from the ceiling in front of the female. I swung a small distance in front of her face. The female hooman froze for a minute and made a loud noise. I pulled myself up to the ceiling where she couldn’t reach me. I waited and watched for the next step in our plan.

The female opened the dark caves and Spider Carrie was ready. The female grabbed the canister she grabs most mornings and Spider Carrie was there waving her legs. Spider Carrie did not want to hurt the female but thought the female should be taught a lesson because of what happened to Spider Jason. The female almost dropped the canister and started swinging around madly at Spider Carrie and me. The short one started yelling. “Save the Spiders”, “Don’t Kill the Spiders”, and finally “Spiders are our friends”. The plan worked. The female was jumpy and not calm at all. The short one played his role and helped us survive.

We thought our plan was complete when the female and the short one left the house. Unfortunately, it was just another part of their morning routine since the female returned home by herself. She then made herself some liquid and sat down. I think she was pondering the day’s attack – but that might be giving hoomans too much credit for thought. Regardless, it was a step forward in our cause.

Spider Rick the last few weeks has been telling famous spider stories to the short one in the middle of the night. I think Spider Rick considers this one a pet. Hopefully, he can train this pet to help us out in the future. For now, though, it is time to plan for the next attack tomorrow morning.